Some Wiser Part of Me

I wish I could tell you a spiritually profound moment spawned my meditation practice. The truth is a very immature response did.

I grew up in an extremely religious family who used Biblical verses like weaponry. The stench of hypocrisy quickly gave rise to my disdain for dogma, ritual, and hell-based fear tactics as the foundation for morality. My path to spirituality was paved in large part by resistance to religion and reactivity to religious people. I am sure it was my particular brand of indignation that made me such an enticing mark to so many earnest evangelists. Much like a pinball, I traveled through life buffeted by the whim of one unexpected proselytizing flapper and bouncing off the rubber bumper of a well-intentioned Jehovah Witness. None of them successfully permeated my inner core.

And then through a rather ordinary conversation, I learned I had formed a professional relationship with someone I both personally liked and financially benefited from who also apparently sought to save my soul. “I am only sharing this with you because I like you and I really want you to be with me at the end of times.”  With shoulder shuddering sobs, I lost my shit. Convinced he had successfully delivered a life altering conversion moment, he persisted with Bible references and a personal conviction that reeked of judgment and arrogance. I was seething.

BUT today I would Thank him. It was because of him that I found my spiritual footing.

In a response belonging to a two-year-old, I remember thinking, “That is it! I am going to the library and studying every religion in the world that is NOT Christianity.”  I made good on the promise. I started with a generalist approach, studying primers on World Religions, of course skipping over any passages about Christianity. At the time, I had no idea a spiritual relationship could be formed outside of religion. I just wanted to find my home outside of Christianity. The Eastern traditions spoke to me right away and eventually Buddhism was the front runner. It was in my early study of Buddhism that I was invited into the world of meditation.

I sat down one morning, particularly willing to explore the practice and read a step-by-step guide on how to meditate. I remember it instructing me to close my eyes and place my attention on “the breath.”  The text offered sensory touch points to help the novice know what was meant by paying attention to “the breath.”  “Notice the feeling of air moving past your nostrils. Feel the warmth traveling across the top of your lip. Take note of the placement of your tongue as your lungs expand in size.”

Before long, I was in a full panic attack, unable to breathe at all. It was in that ridiculously humbling state that I learned when I placed my attention on something, I went into “Doing” mode. I was trying to DO my breath and as it worked out, my body knew a good bit more about breathing than my mind did. It was that awareness and my epic meditation fail that had me hooked. I was all in on this meditation thing and have been for nearly two decades now.

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So, what is it that meditation has offered me? Breathing room, emphasis on room. In the early days, I experimented with guided meditations, mantras, music, and body scan exercises, today I prefer silence. I do not sit in lotus position or even use a cushion. I sit on the edge of a chair and only choose to be mindful of maintaining an upright spine. I make no attempts at quieting my mind. I watch what it is creating! When you diligently stay aware, curious to find out what it will do next…it is amazing how it becomes less active.

The greatest gift I have received from my meditation practice is self-awareness. I know what my emotions create in mental activity and physical sensation. I know my thoughts are not always kind, accurate or needing attention. I know looking at the color red makes me vibrate inside. I know my inner narratives and the ways they limit me. I know what I am drawn to and what creates inner stress for me. I also know I still have blind spots to discover.

When you go into the world with this kind of knowing, you become naturally self-possessed. Over the years, I have found that my reactivity still occurs, but my self-awareness creates the space for me to choose a response that considers both myself and another, leading to more authenticity and the potential for true connection. I can more calmly and effectively communicate about what I am feeling in real time. I know when I need to create physical separation from a situation and when I need to advocate for personal boundaries. Do not get me wrong, the two-year-old tantrum is still going to happen, and a good bit of these social skills still create an inner uneasiness, but the breathing room is what allows an inherent wisdom to take the lead.

No joke, I have been in situations where everything inside of me is behaving and reacting like a two-year-old, yet I feel a veil drop between that response and one that is happening at the behest of some wiser part of me. I have found myself fully aware of the inner noise and yet hear my own voice calmly stating very measured and wise things in a highly stressful situation. In those times, I often want to look around and ask, “Who is THAT person? And why aren’t you here all the time? Cuz, you kinda Rock!”

Although not fully recognized at the time, meditation was my early portal into YOU.logy. It was my start in practicing self-inquiry and a return to childlike curiosity. But there are many portals. For some, creativity is the access point to inner exploration. For others, talk therapy or various forms of somatic healing opens doors. In an effort to extend the gift and help others in their own self-awareness, I have decided to invite you into my humble inner ramblings through my blog, YOU.logy. It is my hope that together we build a community committed to self-exploration, honest expression, and playful evolution. It is my commitment to create an environment where we come together to ask questions and like a kaleidoscope, we learn to see things differently through the reflection of others.

Share your spiritual journey with us. How did you get started? Where are you now? What has been the best piece of advice you have heard about connecting with your higher self? What has been the biggest struggle?