Mine, Yours, Ours: What Resides Between Us?

Light filtered through the stain glass windows creating tall pillars of color on the adjacent wall and a kaleidoscopic pattern across her head. For most of our time together, she sat among us with her eyes cast downward. With magician like skill, her hands repeatedly swapped a concealed object between them while her shoulders remained hiked up as if bracing against the cold winds of reality. With a conviction that felt more borrowed than inhabited she said, “We are all addicted to something.”  I remember the moment so clearly because some part of me fully recognized I was witnessing a soul fight for its rightful place in the larger circle of shared humanity. Her refusal to see herself separate from everyone else is my inspiration for this post.

I have shared my life and love with people who have struggled with addiction. Given the choice, I would not have voluntarily signed up for the ugly and destructive effects addiction comes with. BUT I am eternally grateful that I have sat in church basements and joined hands with others who also loved their way into the need for the wisdom of the 12-steps.

Al Anon was my earliest steppingstone (pun intended) toward authentic spirituality. Here, I discovered what I call a horizontal orientation with the divine. Like many of us, I grew up with a vertical orientation often found in organized religion. One that suggests the divine is in a realm outside of this earthly plane. Today, I see the divine all around me. That alone is worthy of awe and gratitude.

But the legacy I am most grateful for is the circle of sharing that the 12-step tradition brilliantly established and safeguards for all who join its ranks.

For those of you who are not familiar, most meetings gather weekly. And while there are a number of formats, the meeting I regularly attended had members take turns signing up to share their story and the ways some component of recovery had helped them. Following a simple storytelling format, the speaker often presented a slice of life, explaining how things were, what happened and what they did that led them to the way things are currently. When the speaker is finished, each person in attendance is given an opportunity to share about something relevant in their own recovery experience.   

But there are a few clear guidelines about how this is to be conducted.

First, the time remaining and the number of people in attendance are noted. The intention of this act is to convey that everyone will be given time to speak and that the time is to be shared equally among them. Each member’s voice holds such significance for the group that there is someone identified as the “trusted servant” at each meeting. Their primary task is to monitor and facilitate the meeting so that the time for sharing is respected and safeguarded.

A second guideline closely adhered to is that there is no crosstalk. This means participants are not allowed to interrupt, give advice, analyze someone’s situation, speak directly to someone about their share or make comparisons between their experience and someone else’s. Stripped of the typical conversational paradigms, members are freed up to just listen for what will be helpful to them.  For me, this kind of self-focused care was revolutionary, liberating and radically new behavior.

A third, more informally held guideline is to “Take what you like and leave the rest.”  This easy to remember motto works in tandem with the aforementioned principles and fully arrests the mind’s propensity to judge. It provides a spaciousness for the incredible diversity that occupies the circle, while acknowledging not everyone’s experience is going to deliver the particular brand of clarity you might need on that specific day.

These three simple conversational principles have served as my toolbox, first aid kit and Swiss army knife in life. Every voice matters. Listen for what you need.  Appreciate what is useful.

My time shared in the 12-step circles has delivered an indisputable truth…wisdom is all around us. It does not arrive in a specific type of package. Nor is it something you’re required to pay for. It sits fully available to us when we create space for each of our voices to be heard as we move through and attempt to make sense of our lives.

That is the spirit in which I share my experience here. Collectively, we inhabit this planet with messy people, dealing with difficult situations. Sometimes we triumph. Sometimes we get it utterly wrong. But sharing our story in our own way without interruption, commentary or judgment means some small kernel of self-possessed wisdom has the opportunity of finding its way into our collective consciousness.

If you have visited this blog with any regularity, you probably recognize, I feel deeply, think deeply, and share deeply. Each time I post here, I try to fillet some inner recess of my heart and lived experience so that what I have learned from it may serve others. I do it with no pretense or perspective that I possess a rare form of insight. My life has invited me into some grim aspects of the human condition; and some pretty remarkable ones too. Believing it all possesses an opportunity for learning, I do not want any part to be squandered. So, I look for my lessons…and I am using this platform to share about them.

But there is another reason I endeavor to recall and name the significance of these varied social encounters. For a better part of my life, I have been the beneficiary of other people’s wisdom, kindness, and presence. And for far too long, I have simply taken what has been freely availed to me without letting the person know I received something valuable from our time together. YOU.logy is a new lens for me. It challenges me to verbally acknowledge how someone’s presence has made an indelible mark in my life. This is not an easy practice, nor is it one that most people comfortably receive. In some small way, I hope by sharing about those missed opportunities here, I am whispering my “thank you” into their consciousness.

There is one more 12-step tradition that feels important to share here. It states, “our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion.”  I offer my experience very similarly. If you see something that appeals to you either in the larger YOU.logy concept or the posts I share, I encourage you to pick it up, give it a try, and see how it works for you. If you don’t, that is fine too. I share my experience with you so I can be among you. I also share my experience with you so you may potentially find yourself within it.

Collectively, we deserve nothing less.