Gnawing Sensation

I am certain he had no idea what kind of effect he was having on me. All I know is that I felt like I had been swaddled within a warm blanket of contentment. You would think I am talking about the loving presence of my husband. But no, this was an unfathomable interaction with a perfect stranger at a frame shop where I was working at the time.

The interaction started like many others. He walked in carrying a piece of art that he gently set on the design table. His eyes lingered on the piece as he said in an unusually hushed tone, “I would like to look at framing options.”  He pulled the rarely used barstool out from under the countertop and slowly lowered his body into its cushioned seat.

With a pace that suggested,” we are going to be at this for a while” I decided to realign my ideas about the customary design time and match his preference for relishing. His arms folded onto themselves with a softness that easily surrendered any need to grasp and manipulate the tools we would be using to design his project. It was as if he came to witness an unfolding.

His gaze rarely left the work of art and his responses to my visual prompts were slow, methodical, and reflected an active discernment that had no need to be rushed. As we let the silence fill the space between us, I became acutely aware of the leisurely and almost ritualized way in which he chewed his gum, and I slipped into an unexpected state of euphoria.

With goosebumps chasing up and down my spine, I remember thinking, “I hope this never ends.”  The rest of my shift passed blissfully surrendered to his presence. As I wondered what I had just experienced, I recall feeling embarrassed about an intimacy I had no right to have access to. I was equally confused about the origins of this mysterious closeness.

This was not someone I would have been physically attracted to. Nor would I describe my feelings in that way. But his unhurried gum chewing created such a curious sense of well-being for me, I would have easily volunteered to be folded up and stuck in his back pocket just so I would not have to separate from its abiding comfort.

Today I know what I experienced was an ASMR or autonomous sensory meridian response. If you don’t know about this, check out YouTube, there are hundreds of channels designed to elicit this response. Since that first encounter, I have experienced it several more times and know it is a real phenomenon.

In fact, one of the artists we represented in our gallery had an anxiety issue and her therapist suggested she start origami as a way to shed some of her excess energy. She would visit us and instead of pacing as she often did “pre origami” days, she would sit down pull out a few pieces of paper and systematically fold them into assorted rabbits, cranes, and dogs. As her fingers moved through perfect choreography, a symphony of folds, flutters, and rustles lulled me into a recklessly carefree state. And once again, I found myself thinking, “Please do not leave…you are welcome to stay ALL DAY…just don’t run out of that sensuous paper.” 

The ASMR response is not highly understood, but it has been suggested two distinct locations of the brain become activated. One is associated with the social behaviors of bonding and another with the sensation of touch. David Huron, a professor from Ohio State University has been sited to say, the “ASMR effect is clearly and strongly related to the perception of non-threat and altruistic attention.” 

That language feels absolutely correct. The gentleman that ushered in my first ASMR experience stood out in a couple of distinct ways. First, there was no urgency to anything. There was no need to control or advance the process. We were indisputably joined in a task, but his demeanor demanded nothing, rather it breathed with a sense of allowing and exploration.

I cannot explain why, but his radical receptivity made me feel safe and I felt an immediate shift INTO my body.  Unexpectedly released from the mental burden of strategizing, constructing, communicating, and performing, I discovered myself entirely IN my sense perceptions and an inexplicable state of well-being. Here, I willingly joined him in an easy acceptance of what would naturally evolve between us.

As a testimony to just how embodied I had become, I honestly have no recollection about the artwork he brought in or the design we created together. But I know I will NEVER forget how connected I felt.

Obviously, I am fascinated and inspired by authentic human connection. In today’s world, I feel its absence as much as I believe in its capacity. But what creates a feeling of connection? And how do we bring that forward both in ourselves and within our interactions with others? To answer this question, I am compelled to reverse engineer that first ASMR experience.

The most defining quality to the experience was how unhurried it was. Everything about him was slow and thoughtful. Not in an overthinking and tedious way. It was permissive and unfettered.

Not bound by time, he held a focused presence with the entire process. Not distracted or driven by a particular plan, he lingered quietly with his options, giving each his full attention.

Because this piece was important to him, he arrived open and responsive to all possibilities. Every part of the process, including my ideas, carried a sense of worth and appreciation.

Although unspoken, we had agreed on both the necessity and room for each of us, allowing for a unique blending of ideas.

Ultimately, the entire process led to a feeling of connection that was as somatic as it was psychological, and I did not want it to end.

Perhaps this type of attention-induced pleasure is best represented by the acronym SAVOR.

Our current lifestyles do not promote an unhurried presence to appreciate mutual connection. In fact, if I were playing by our cultural rules of engagement, as the expert in the situation, I should have been the one setting the pace and steering our activities. And if I had…I would have robbed myself of one of the most pleasant interactions of my life.

This customer arrived with nothing more than a desire to find a pleasing frame presentation. He had no awareness or any designs on providing ME with a unique experience. But by meeting him where he was and attuning to his behavior, I received a gift that I can only hope someday my presence ushers in for someone else.

I tend to believe our bodies provide an incredibly reliable feedback loop. And I suspect the calm sense of well-being experienced in ASMR encounters is not only our birthright, but also a rare glimpse into our true nature when we turn down our minds and tune into our senses. I believe it is this harmonious intersection where we discover a pure sense of connection. The idea that we can have such an embodied sense of “togetherness” with perfect strangers by simply becoming receptive and fully present is surprising. And yet, I believe it is fully accessible to us within a vast majority of our social interactions.

YOU.logy invites us into this kind of open reception. When we consciously slow down, meet our partner with our full attention and find unexpected ways of appreciating each other, we avail ourselves of an incredible gift.

Have you experienced anything like this? Tell us about it.