If you have spent any time exploring this site, you likely recognize you were greeted by a rather ambitious social challenge. And I admit, I introduced YOU.logy as a practice we could be offering to each other. But up until this point, I have not provided any actionable steps in how to practice it. But what I have been presenting is not an accident. I have been subtly laying the foundation of mindfulness by sharing accessible, real-life examples of how to foster awareness and practice full presence in your day-to-day experience.
It is my humble opinion, we cannot effectively extend the gift of YOU.logy to others until we learn how to be interested, curious and appreciative of our own experience. Not all that different from the airline’s advice to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others, there is conventional wisdom that suggests, if you enter an interaction with a gulf of personal need, you are unable to be of service to another.
So yes, I passionately believe we must first see ourselves worthy of great study. We need to understand what motivates us and what challenges us. We need to recognize what has overwhelmed us in the past and may have left a legacy of sensitivity. We also ought to recognize what we have achieved and use its success as proof of our personal resilience.
You see, when we get a handle on how uncertain and messy our own insides can be, we start to better understand how ridiculous it is for us to expect anyone to predict and know how to meet our often unspoken, unrecognized needs.
When we recognize our responsibility to our own self-knowledge and appreciation, we slowly step into a position of self-empowerment, knowing best how to meet our needs and becoming far less dependent on the outside world to anticipate and address them.
When we can comfortably be in relationship with ourselves, we no longer need to demand specific behaviors from others, which in turn opens us up to be more responsive to others, regardless of how they are behaving towards us.
When we better understand how we are showing up in our social exchanges, it becomes easier to recognize when someone is struggling and accurately assess if we played a part in creating it. When we become skillful with this, we become less reactive and no longer take things personally. We no longer see the need to defend ourselves or make others wrong. Instead, we can choose to offer our full attention and interest in someone who needs it greater than ourselves.
That being said, YOU.logy is a radical departure in how we do social interactions. And we cannot show up with such an inverted and GENEROUS approach to conversation without a good foundation in mindfulness.
Mindfulness is a muscle that is strengthened when practiced. There is no measure of mastery, or degree of completion, and there is no way of truly discerning when might be a suitable time to practice your first YOU.logy experience with someone other than yourself. But when you are ready, you are agreeing to transform an interaction into a gift of connection.
In conversation, we are exchanging information around a shared topic and attempting to create a connection of understanding between two parties. A connection joins two things together. What might be a visual metaphor that represents this activity? How about a BRIDGE?
BRIDGE is a remarkably simple acronym that not only establishes guidelines but also logical steps that can be practiced either with yourself or with another. Here is how it works.
The first step in building a social bridge of connection is to assume there is something much more personal and valuable BURIED below the functional social scripts that is waiting to be REVEALED. How do you access it?
It is not hard to do. People want to be heard and understood. All it takes is a genuine INTEREST in them and a commitment to create conversational space for them to share about themselves. We do this through INQUIRY and INVITATION.
As they start to DISCLOSE information about themselves, you will DISCOVER new or different things about them that may reveal experiences you have in common, or new ways of seeing things. Keep DIGGING and enjoy what unfurls between you. When sharing your own experience, do not forget to continue creating space for them through inquiry and invitation.
As your interaction is winding down. Do a quick mental review of what was shared between you and recognize the ways you may have benefitted from the exchange. In other words, GATHER the GIFTS.
And before parting ways, take a quick second to EXPRESS YOUR APPRECIATION for one or two specific things you experienced with the person. It could be something they said, a proficiency they showed in doing their job, a vulnerability they were willing to share with you, or how their experience shifted your perspective, or clarified something for you. Don’t be heroic, it is often the simplest things that land in the greatest ways. Your sincerity will mean more than a big effort.
“Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.”
Voltaire
But do not be surprised if people struggle to receive your kindness. This is new and uncomfortable terrain for ALL of us. But when you endeavor to give them a YOU.logy! You are essentially saying, “I paid enough attention to you to spot something valuable and I want you to know what I received.”
I know I am prone to idealism. And if that undermines your interest in practicing this, I understand AND challenge you to try it anyway. I believe this simple exercise has the ability to shift how someone is experiencing their day, and we cannot know the exponential ripple effect it may carry. I take comfort in knowing others have arrived at a similar conclusion.
“Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.”
Margaret Cousins
Now I want to hear from you. What questions do you have? Any concerns? Are you feeling any resistance to try this out? Why? What feels like the most challenging part? What is it about this idea that most inspires you?
2 responses to “A Bridge Not Too Far”
When we can comfortably be in relationship with ourselves, we no longer need to demand specific behaviors from others, which in turn opens us up to be more responsive to others, regardless of how they are behaving towards us.
This is the paragraph that says it all!
Why else would we experience a fight and disharmony if we were totally in synch with our own self. Nothing would disturb us! Personalizing another’s words and behavior is the fastest way to create resentment and anger.
This is a reminder of why I end up talking with people on airplanes. I have had amazing conversations over the years by allowing for complete presence and interest. The gift has been to deeply share their story, willingly told, and the honor it was to hear it. Being an interested audience and completely present weaves a story of being deeply heard.