“The Impossible Dream”

Do you want to know a fun fact? I have aphantasia. Isn’t that a delightful word? What it means is I have no ability to conjure a mental image. If someone says, “Close your eyes and picture an apple.”  I’ve got nothing but black screen behind my eyes.

When reading, people without aphantasia describe seeing a silent movie that has been created by the written descriptions offered by the author. That is not my experience. Instead, I feel the scene. I might get a sense of humidity or feel the bounce of an unsupported floating bridge beneath my foot. My body may get tense from the chaos of a cluttered room or relax as a character turns a corner and is met by an expanse of rolling hills. And I emote my way all the way through my readings. It is quite common for me to smile, cry, jump in fear, or hold my breath in anticipation. I must admit, I feel bad for authors (particularly Sci-Fi ones) who have painstakingly infused their work with dense descriptions because frankly, it is completely lost on me.

Knowing my aphantasia made it impossible for me to envision the final product, I honestly found it odd that I had such a successful career as a custom picture framer.  My favorite part was collaborating with the client during the design process. And even though I knew when the corner samples worked well with the artwork, I couldn’t predict with certainty how the final presentation would appear. In fact, as I worked through the production process, seeing how all the parts came together was the most surprising satisfaction.

Dreams…well, for decades, I did not believe I dreamed at all. I certainly was not having the technicolor experiences I heard so many of my friends describe. And with no visual effects happening, the only way I would remember a dream was if I had a strong emotion within it. In fact, it wasn’t until I started meditating that I even discovered I could experience color fields behind my closed eyes. Maybe slowly, something was starting to awaken?

I don’t know, but a few nights ago, I saw a tree in my dream! Like a fully detailed tree! So unexpected was this experience that I actually felt my conscious mind come “online” and say, “You seriously need to get up and draw this!”  Of course, I have no skill for such things, so I quickly returned to my encounter with this colorless image of a tree that was so magical in its form and energy that it made me burst into tears.

I just must share this with you! In my dream, I felt like I was in my old neighborhood. I was walking outside and felt a looming quality that I often associated with the woods behind our home. I heard the scampering of critters as I entered a conversation with faceless characters, whose voices and communication styles felt familiar. They verbally sparred about a tree that was scheduled to be cut down. I remember feeling like the debate was both petty and futile and I just wanted to avoid the unnecessary controversy. Somehow, I had expertly extracted myself from the ongoing minutia of their discourse, (a skill I must learn for my waking hours), and I continued on my way feeling the warmth of the sun on my face.

As I traveled down my chosen path, I felt an internal nudge to take a turn and finally get a look at this highly debated tree. I was surprised by the prompt because it felt like I had consistently chosen to stay out of the fray of this long-contested tree. And I remember becoming a bit self-scolding when I followed its urging.

I turned a corner and emerged from a more wooded section of the path that deposited me into what felt like the midway point of a neighborhood block. I remember thinking I would not even know which tree was commanding so much attention. And then I SAW IT!

The tree was clearly dead and yet strangely thrumming with vitality. The limbs thrust their arthritic-inspired matrix into the sky emulating a stereotypical haunted scene. But the trunk of the tree was so hollowed out from disease that what remained was like exquisite lace work. Within the center of the tree was the most elaborate heart motif, which seemed to replicate itself infinitely. With so little organic matter remaining, it made no sense that this tree could even remain standing and as I contemplated this I noticed the trunk was not just a vertical extension, it was an oblong shape that ran the length of the house with its elaborate swirling heart pattern running the entire length of the trunk. I instantly burst into tears and with one hand over my mouth, I said, “It is just so beautiful.”

At that moment, the person whose home shared the same parcel of land as this magnificent tree, walked over, and asked me, “Do you think I am making a mistake?” Knowing she had been fraught with neighborhood discord, I did not want her to feel any scrutiny from me, so I quickly, said, “No, of course not, you need to do what you need to do. but my God, it is just so beautiful. It’s like you are looking straight into the heart of the…”

And before I could finish my sentence, the sun illuminated the hollow parts and created a sort of fluttering vibration through the entire length of the trunk of the tree. (To be clear, I saw no color, so this truly was a grey scale interpretation of light that felt like humming energy through the center of the heart.) With a gasp, I said, “It’s like a beating heart.”

The neighbor said, “What?!  You see a heart?”  I stood agape and without censoring any of my astonishment I said, “You don’t?” The woman called two other people over and told them that I see a heart. I corrected her, “Not just a heart. An endless, self-generating heart that is now pulsing with sunlight.”  I could feel their incredulity. “Seriously, you don’t see it?”  With nothing more than a deep sense of their skepticism, my dream ended.

Ok, Let’s have some fun together. A lot of my blog followers know me, but even if you don’t, please play along. What do you think this dream represents? With so much going on in our world that demands our attention, I feel like this impossible dream holds a significant message for me that I still cannot fully see. Come to think of it, most of us have a form of aphantasia that I will call “personal aphantasia.”  We have qualities within ourselves that we just cannot see. I want to hear from you! Get creative, get intuitive, share your insights about this dream. Who knows, you may end up providing me with a YOU.logy.