One of the most profound gifts of insight I have received in this lifetime came through a 26-year career in picture framing. Day after day, each design session revealed the same truth. A single work of art could be seen and experienced differently based entirely on the colors and textures you surrounded it with. And what was pleasing and easy to experience for me, could be radically different for someone else. Situations in life are no different.
We can transform our experience of ANY situation by shifting the mental components we have consciously, or unconsciously, placed around it.
Before you venture too far into this post, I would strongly encourage you to first read the piece entitled “A Bridge Not Too Far.” In it, I introduce the acronym, BRIDGE, a set of guidelines used to frame mindful social interactions. With practice, this tool breaks down self-preoccupation and helps us place someone else as the object of our interest. When we create a habit of doing this, we discover we receive far more in our interactions than when we insist on advancing our own opinions and ideas.
In the initial introduction of this acronym, I presented it as steps you practice with someone in a direct interaction. But this tool can also be used for self-reflection. This post is a real-life example of how I used BRIDGE with myself and shifted how I was seeing and experiencing a situation.
As a reminder, or introduction, here is what the acronym represents:
My husband Ken is an artist, and we often travel to participate in out-of-state art shows. Recently, we were on our way to Chicago with a carload of art when we came across a construction sign that alerted us there was an ‘Accident Ahead.’ I turned to Ken and said, “That’s not good. If they are using a construction sign on the freeway to communicate about an accident, it must be a significant incident.” We continued along, heavy-hearted about what we would likely witness and realistic about its impact on our travel.
Within about a mile of the first sign, there were more construction signs encouraging drivers to ‘Merge Right.’ When first encountering the signs, the traffic was moving with enough spaciousness that we could see well ahead of us. We had plenty of time to find our place between cars before running out of lane. So, we continued our travel until an opening naturally presented itself.
The minivan in front of us slowly started migrating right. Ken had spotted a larger opening in front of a semi-trailer, several car lengths ahead, and decided to continue in our current lane until he could tuck us into that space.
Unexpectedly, the minivan, who had earlier appeared to be committing to their merge, suddenly lurched their vehicle back into the lane we were traveling in and came within inches of hitting our front bumper. Ken braked in time and an additional accident had been diverted. But it was jarring, and Ken slowed our speed way down while he appeared to be reconsidering his options.
Within seconds of slowing down and slightly suggesting we may be merging earlier than planned, the minivan driver once again started merging right. Confused, and a little irritated, Ken said, “What the hell?! Make up your mind.” He continued to ride cautiously in the left lane.
By this point, the cars behind us were starting to get impatient with our speed and I told Ken, “Just get in behind them. I can’t tell what they are doing, and I don’t want to add to the number of insurance claims needing to be made today.” He did, and the car behind us naturally started to pass us on the left.
Without warning, the minivan driver veered back into the left lane, again dangerously close to the front bumper of the car trying to pass them. At this point, it became clear this was not an indecisive driver. This was an aggressive driver who had appointed themselves ‘highway monitor!’ They had also proven themselves willing to use their vehicle in a remarkably dangerous way.
I am not going to lie. My mental chatter was not kind to this driver. What emitted from my mouth was moderated, but not well. Without a doubt, I was harshly judging this driver and highly reactive to their choices.
We were now traveling safely behind them, so I no longer felt personally threatened. But every successive car that dared to advance past the minivan became a new potential domino effect that could have adversely affected our safety. And each time the minivan veered; I could feel my antagonism growing.
The traffic continued to merge, and a considerable slowdown was experienced as we neared the accident site. It was quite a scene. Every time I witness how “wrong” things can go at freeway speed, I often find myself feeling a good bit of grace and humility for my current well-being.
In that moment, my inner sense of gratitude stood in sharp contrast to how acidic my stomach felt. It was only then that I became keenly aware that I had been directing some pretty toxic thoughts and words at my fellow traveler. And although righteous indignation is delicious to the ego, it was wreaking havoc on my nervous system. I let my equanimity get hijacked.
Just becoming aware of it allowed my reactivity to slowly diffuse. And I took a slow cleansing breath to release any lingering tension.
We crept past the accident and continued to travel a mile or so before we noticed the cones were gradually leading to the reopening of the left lane. Our good friend in the minivan decided to ride down the middle of the two lanes and continued to “patrol and control” any traffic that attempted to pass them on either side. It was quite a scene, and it re-fueled my reactivity.
As we watched this behavior play out, I spent a good bit of time befuddled and curious about it, and particularly interested in why it was making me so angry.
In all honesty, I did not make a conscious choice to practice BRIDGE. And I will be the first to admit, what I am about to share may not be a brilliant and concise illustration of it. But it is an accurate and honest depiction of the inner dialogue that played out and totally shifted my experience.
There was something unpleasant enough in how I was feeling, I became curious to understand more about it. Without actively choosing to do so, I found myself asking: what is Buried, waiting to be Revealed about myself or the other driver? I had enough practice with awareness to know, it is often these big reactions to situations that reveal something is ready to be looked at and integrated. I knew the only way I could find some clarity was to Inquire within myself and Invite my own thoughts and feelings to point me to a new awareness. I also recognized the answer may not reveal itself in real time. But I knew if I was Interested and willing to explore my reaction, I was making a choice to soften its effect.
Why are you having such an angry response?
I felt our safety was threatened and our personal property was put at risk. I was also worried less attentive drivers may unwittingly cause an accident that could involve us.
Ok, that sounds more like fear. Is the anger necessary?
I checked in with my physical senses and did mental noting of what I was seeing and what was actually happening in real time.
Afterwards I simply acknowledged, RIGHT NOW: We are safe. We did not have an accident. Ken is a good and responsive driver. We saw what the driver was doing and adjusted our pace and position to accommodate potential harm.
Do you like what they are doing? No.
Do you think it is safe? No.
Do you have to make them a villain? ……………NO!
I cannot know why this individual chose to conduct themselves as they did. But it was clear, this was a situation the individual felt compelled to try to control.
What could be going on in their life that made this situation feel important to “manage or control”?” I cannot know.
Might they have had an experience in their past that makes this self-appointed role feel necessary, helpful, or somehow supportive to those involved or traveling near this accident? I do not know.
Are they even aware of how dangerous their behavior is? How could they not? But I have no idea how they are experiencing it.
I put myself in their position and asked myself, What would it feel like to be this overly responsible? This passive aggressive? Or needing this kind of control? What would make this choice of behavior make sense?
This was the pivot point for me. If given the choice, I would not trade places with this driver. Living life on their terms felt far more difficult than the way I choose to live. Something inside of me completely softened. I had Discovered compassion.
As I started to make a mental list of all the Gifts this encounter availed to me, I realized, I had no idea where the minivan went. At some point, I discovered it was no longer in front of us and driving down the middle of the road. I have no idea if they exited or simply abandoned their need to control and joined the rest of us in our freeway commute. As my angry focus released, their presence also fell right off my radar.
This driver gave me many Gifts of awareness. They helped me make a connection to the “language” of my body. In doing so, I became aware of the fact that I was perpetuating emotions that were adversely affecting my body. The driver not only gave me practice in self-inquiry, but they also helped me recognize I had started doing so rather instinctively. One of the greatest gifts, I learned I have a specific body sensation when I am “judging” someone AND it does not feel good. That is an extremely helpful piece of information.
In this situation, I could not find agreement with their choices, nor could I fully understand their behavior, but I discovered my capacity to meet it with compassion. I also learned I always have the option to release my interpretation and try to see it from a different perspective.
Inwardly, I Expressed my Appreciation to both the driver and myself for all the new awareness. I was grateful for my body’s clear vocabulary. After years of experiencing dissociation, I appreciated my ability to be attuned to it. I was grateful to discover I have an innate wisdom that knew when I needed to revise my interpretation of the situation. I appreciated the ease with which my interpretation yielded to a more heart centered one. I appreciate that Ken was able to both witness the transformation and forgive my negative disposition. I am also grateful that insights about the anger arrived days later during a meditation.
Although I had already received a great deal during the encounter, the lessons were not yet fully actualized. As I sat in meditation, three days later, a pattern from my past revealed itself. I have a person in my life that is quite passive aggressive. Because I care about maintaining the relationship, I often mold my behavior to match their preferred rules of engagement. This pattern has germinated resentment because I often feel forced to make a choice between my own preferences or theirs. Over time, my choice to self-direct in our encounters has become so eroded that it often looks more like complete self-abandonment. Having to “play by the minivan driver’s rules” helped me recognize this conditioned response is ready to be revised and released.
Life’s lessons…what can I say? Humbled and blown away. Care to share one of yours?
2 responses to “Across the Bridge of Self Reflection”
You are learning the art of wearing the other person’s moccasins. There is a wonderful story in the book The 13 Original Grandmothers by Jamie Sams of how one of life’s lessons is to see through another’s eyes by standing in the other’s shoes to develop compassion for that which is judged. I was thinking of the frantic minivan trying to weave traffic and get ahead as the labor pains increased on the way to the hospital. Buttons get pushed when we don’t feel respected and our personal needs aren’t met. Thus your point of Bridging, to not make it about us.
Your deep self reflection purifies the soul’s journey to know itself and continue to onion peel away what is not needed in attitudes and illusions. Thank you for modeling how it is done with personal examples of your success.
I will take it as a gift to practice my own issue with anger that does affect the body, and how that energy held within and not released does not lead to peace and an open heart.
A sentence recently quoted sticks in my mind… “if you aren’t feeling yourself in a state of joy, you are out of harmony with All That Is”. May the “I Am” center return back to inner balance and well-being!
I think it’s amazing how quickly a strong emotion or reaction can dissipate one you recognize it for what it is. A reaction, and so often a knee jerk reaction, as you say probably triggered by a previous experience and not necessarily justified in the present experience. You’ve inspired me to try harder yo look beyond the current experience to find triggers and become aware of conditioning, and thank you for that.